CONGRATULATIONS!

Your soul has been selected for a pre-life position! Pre-life is an honor, and life can be even better! This strange and wondrous nexus called life can be a joyous and wonderfully fulfilling existence, but it can also be a tragic waste of squandered energy and missed opportunities. It is up to you to make the most of your newfound linear years ahead.

Pre-life can be a prolonged and boring experience and we appreciate your patience. To make your life more enjoyable, we here in the Pre-Life administration segment of CosmoCo have compiled this survey to determine your adequacy to inhabit a body. Please answer every question truthfully and remember to have a good time! Even if you are not selected for the earthly realm, do not distress! The population continues to increase and your chances with it! Remember, after enough time, we'll have to take anything.

Question One:

Why do you most want to inhabit a body?

1. Warm, fleshy feeling.
2. Will finally get the chance to burn things again.
3. Sick of running into Great-Grandparents in afterlife and having nothing to say.
4. Just have a thing for vaginas.
5. No Journey in the afterlife. JOURNEY RULES!
6. I miss drinking and/or drugs.

Question Two:

If you were an animal, which would you be?

1. A human.
2. A whale.
3. A cheetah.
4. A cancer cell.
5. Aborted fetus.
6. An atheist ('cause wasn't it a kick the FIRST time you found out the truth?).

Question Three:

Do you smoke?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Sometimes.
4. No, I do not smoke cock and I think that it is grotesque that you would even pose the question.

Question Four:

How best do you describe yourself?

1. Kind, warm, loving.
2. A loving asshole.
3. Kind, warm, loving and an asshole.
4. Plucky and adventurous.
5. Sucky and pretentious.
6. Stupid.*
7. An avid bureaucrat.

Question Five:

The day of Judgment has come. Gabriel's horn cracks the ear of all inhabitants of God's creation. When the four horsemen of the Apocalypse crash through your front door, what do you scream at them?

1. "Your concern is not mine, foul beings of end-days tidiness! Mine is the golden escalator to the kingdom of heaven!"
2. "And me not accepting J.C. as my personal savior! Whose face is red?"
3. "Holy shit!"
4. Silently scream while dropping coffee cup in slow-motion.
5. Remember and repeat the inspirational words of Xenophon. "He who eats with most pleasure is he who least requires sauce!" Dash out of the room as they look to each other questioningly.

Question Six:

What is your chosen race or ethnic origin?

1. White
2. Pacific Islander
3. Other

(note: choosing Other will greatly increase your chance of dying of easily curable diseases)

Question Seven:

Choose One.

1. Jesus Christ.
2. A fucking Mandeanismistic bitch.
3. That Earth-God you're-okay-I'm-okay bullshit.
4. Siddhartha Guatama.
5. Monotheism is narrow and representative of mankind's shortsightedness.
6. The Jew God.
7. If you haven't circled Jesus Christ by now you're not making it back.

Question Eight:

Which does not belong in the five pillars of Islam?

1. The profession of faith in God.
2. Prayer.
3. Fasting.
4. The paying of alms.
5. The Pilgrimage to Vegas for cheap hookers.

Question Nine:

If you become a professional football celebrity, upon big plays you will…

1. Point to heaven, giving J.C. "big ups."
2. Point to hell, giving Satan "big downs."
3. Cradle groin in hand, then mime throwing flatulence at opposing team.
4. Allow ass to be repeatedly swatted by bulgingly muscular, steroid peaking teammates while mouth gapes with cries of joy.
5. Show modesty as you congratulate the QB on his stellar throw.
6. Rape teenagers until the media suggests you stop.

Question Ten:

Name the most likely Apocalypse.

1. Continued deforestation releases deadly uncontainable virus onto susceptible human population.
2. Oil consumption advances territorialism and fear until insignificant skirmish instigates thermonuclear war.
3. Poles of Earth magnetically shift, fucking shit up royally.
4. Jesus returns to Earth from Heaven, taking the chosen ones away, and leaving the rest to fry. 5. Comet hits Earth. Spins it like a flaming pinwheel.
6. All of the above.

Thank you for taking your time out of eternity to answer this questionnaire. We appreciate your interest in life! If you do not feel the finger of God flick you out of heaven, do not fret! Your time will surely come! Until then, enjoy the Muzak and keep on strummin'!

* Will not guarantee placement